I am starting all over.
If you want to be in my life that is your choice.
I am not fighting to keep friends anymore.
I am just going to live and be myself.
There is only one person that I talk to anymore other then my family.
That person is the start to my new life.
No he is not my boyfriend.
He is just really close.
I don't fucking care anymore I am cleaning house.

So I have not writen in here in a really long time.
I have had alot of things in my life change.
I am still single and I have been since Craig and I broke up.
I was "seeing" Ryan but just like I thought things did not work out.
I think something bigger might be happening that I can't really talk to people about.
I am looking into getting a new place.
I mean I like my place but I don't think that things are going to work there and I think that Liz and David will do better there then I will.
I am sick of most people and there are very few people that I can still stand to be around.
That could partly have to do with my bigger problem.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I don't really know who to turn to.
I spend alot of time with Craig and I think its cause even though I have a hard time being in love with him I never doubt that he loves me.
I know that he is always going to be there for me.
I have been telling him everything and it has helped to releave alot of my stress.
I really would just love to have someone that will love me.
Someone that is going to take care of me and help me through this.
I thought that Ryan was going to help me with this but as of yet he has only complicated it more.
I wonder waht makes people cheat on me.
Am I really not that good of a gilrfriend?
My mom says that it is because I don't have enough rules.
She says that I have to say NO more often.
Now that I have started saying it more it has helped.
I think that I might continue to do so and see where it takes me.
Lovez ya

But I did want to say that I love my Miss. Sasha!
I am so glad that she is happy that I am living with her.
I really hope that I do not make her mad or cause anything to be bad.
I am REALLY stressed all the time and I worry way to much!

I lost him but I don't really care.
I am still fucking strugling with shit but whatever.
I am going to re-make myself and I am going to let Lust take over.
She is stronger and more confident.
She needs to take over for awhile cuz I am tierd.

I'm losing it again.
I thought that I had gotten so strong but it wasn't true.
I wanted to burn so bad the other day but I didn't.
I did pierce instead.
I love my new piercing and it makes me happy but I am sad that I "needed" to do it.
I hate all the fucking fighting that happens in the house that I am at.
What is worse is that I feel like I am losing Craig.
He is so wonderful and I don't want to lose him.
More then anything I want to be with him.
But he keeps pushing me away.
I have not talked to him in god knows how long.
I love that boy I really do but he needs to know that I have a hard time being this far away from him.
I know that we could make it we really could.
I am so scared that he does not want me and that he is going to move on.
I heard that he wants Amanda and that could be true.
He says on his myspace that he is yerning for the unreachable and that would kinda be her.
I am hurt right now and no amount of piercing is going to fix that for me.
I just want him to hold me.
Guys have been hurting me so much!
I know three guys that keep texting and calling me just asking for sex.
They don't even care that I am with someone.
None of them even want to be with me in the end.
It hurts so much to think that is all they want.
It makes me kinda think that maybe that is all guys ever want for me.
Maybe that is all that Craig wants and becuase he is not getting it he is going to leave.
I know that is kinda far fetched but I can't help but think like that.
Then there is this guy who really wants to be with me and take care of me here.
Well to be honest there are two but I don't think that either of them would work out.
I am so hurt and confused anymore.
I just want someone to love me.
It is tempting to go live on the streets again and whore myself.
That is all anyone wants and it would make my life easier and less stressful!
God now I am angry!
My mom is being so nosie and telling me what I can and can't do.
She kinda gave that up when I left.
I want to do piercings and bar tend, but no I can't do that.
I hate life right now and would really like it to end soon.
I kinda want to go fuck some random guy but I still love Craig and want him to be with me.




-Crys-

I am moving to Texas!

It all will end soon

That I don't give a damn anymore.

I am going to live in my own. I hate all the shit that I have to put up with! I hate all the hurt that keeps happening to me and people that are around me. This is all fucking bull shit and I am done. I say fuck you to fake people and fuck you to people in power and fuck you to people who use other people. I am sick of all this bull shit. It is just me now. I am done with you all. No more pain and having to put up with all of you. Other then the people that I live with I am done with everything. I am sick of finding someone that I think might be good for me and then him turning in to an asshole. I am sick of saying I have a best friend and then them turning around on me. I am just sticking to my family and not the real ones either. I am going to live for me again. I am going to do shit for me and the way that I want to do it. You can all go fuck yourselfs. Done with your bull shit.

It has been a long ass time since I have last posted.

Well Doug cheated on me so he got his sorry ass dumped.
I am living with my new adopted mom in PA.
I added a new piercing to my list.
I am still talking to my dad.
I have been seeing my amazing Superman.
He told me yesterday that just incase he did not come home from Forks, He wanted me to know he loves me.
I am really sick right now.
I might have Bronkites....(sp?)
I spend alot of my time high or drunk.
I don't miss my family at all.
That is kinda sad yet understandable.
I miss going to Sequim on Wen.
There are so many things that I love about my life right now though.
It has been kinda hard to keep up with people cuz I spend alot of time helping mom with stuff.
Mom and Bric have been working things out and things are so much better at the house.
I hate Pam and I really would like to kill her.
The other night when I was staying at Superman's Krista told Pam off.
I really wish that I had been there to see that.
My lip ring fell out today so I am wearing a clear spacer in it and it feels wierd.
Things are getting so much better.
I have a doctors appointment at the begining of next month to take care of the rest of my shit from the baby.
I lost 10lbs :)
That made me happy after the 35 I had gained.
Mom is going to be buying a house and she told me that I will have my own room.
She told me that I had to stay with them untill I was getting married and moving out.
She says that I am one of her girls now and she will treat me like one.
The new house will have a room for all of us girls, even Liz.
I have to make eating changes again cuz I was slaking on my meat intake and I got sick.
My poor body really just can't take it.
Since I stayed home sick today mom took me shopping with her.
It was really fun and I really like how it really feels like she is my mom.
She lays down the rules and I can get in trouble.
She has been taking care of me all day and makeing me take my meds.
Now I am kinda sleepy cuz of all the shit that she has been having me take. lol
I really want to get a pet.
Having my baby leave and only being able to see him one day a week really makes me sad.
I really do miss him when he is gone, and he says that he misses me.
Even his room mate Art says that he misses me.
I can't wait for his phone call tonight.
He trys to call me every night but sometimes he can't cuz he does not have signal.
Stupid Forks.
He moves in two months though :(
He will be moving to Shelton, that means that I will hardly get to see him ever.
That really makes me sad.
I really want to go see him now but I am scared that I will get him sick.
That and mom most likely wont let me ride the bus to Forks to go see him.
At least not while I am sick and on a school night.
DECA is coming up and I really need to get going on choseing a topic.
Well I have to go now I am going to fall asleep.
Laterz Lovez